eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
