franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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