The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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