I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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