Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
