I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
