Princesses don't give blow jobs
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
