but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run