I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.