So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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