It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
