If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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