i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
