Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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