final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
