Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
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You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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