my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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