If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
