Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
