Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
