threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
