We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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