alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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