he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
