I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
