you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
