They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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