Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
