I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
