from now on my penis is your penis
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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