Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
