I smell stomach acid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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