Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
