Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
