I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
