Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
