I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
how drunk are you?
Several
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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