Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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