I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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