I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ttyl tear gas
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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