Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
