so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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