Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
