my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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