I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
