if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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