Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I party with great urgency now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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