That's intense
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We're too hungover to prance.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
