I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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