Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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