My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
