We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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