I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
