CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Randomize
