The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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